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July 24th, 2002

I'm depressed again. Big surprise there. I used to have a handle on this whole depression thing. I had a system of heading it off before it got this bad. But right now I feel like I just want to curl up and die. I am so sick of being alone. Im sick of having no one. I mean sure there are lots of people who say they care and all that, but none of them are people who I can have or hold, or even really look at. I go through my past and the people who i've cared about and realize no one has ever put me first. My mother, my father, friends, boyfriends (few though they may be) At this point i've given up on finding anyone who will. Maybe my grandfather was right when he said no one wanted me. I mean there is always a line of people who come before me. People who matter more. Maybe its just me. Maybe I'm just such a horribly pathetic person that people cant really care about me. I do feel that way alot. Like im just this big pathetic loser who's always giong to be alone. I feel ugly, and stupid, I feel like I deserve every horrible thing thats ever happened to me, I feel like I deserve all of the loneliness and the sadness that I feel right now. How the hell can anyone ever really love me when the truth is I absolutely hate who I am. I used to have some things about myself that I was proud of. I used to think that I was slightly pretty despite my weight, and creative, and even semi intelligent. Now I feel like somehow I lost all of that, I look in the mirror and I dont see anything pretty about me, I look at my life and see the collosal mess i've made of it and I feel like the most stupid person in the world. My creativity is shot, I dont remember the last time I actually wrote anything that wasn't crap. Everything just feels like its so useless right now, and im so damn tired of fighting all the time. I feel like everything is just this huge battle and I really dont know how to win it anymore, or even if I can. Now dont get me wrong, this isn't a big ole 'its time to end it all' entry. No matter how bad things get I could never do anything like that, even though yeah sometimes i've thought about it. Sometimes I ache so badly, I just hurt so bad that I want it to all go away. Yeah then I want to curl up and die at those times. Im sick of crying, you'd think that after all the crying i've done I wouldn't be able to anymore. I mean isn't there a limit? The thing about me is that given time everyone walks away from me, or maybe I push them away. I really dont know. Maybe im just not enough to hold people's interest. I try to be a good friend but I know I end up smothering them. I try to listen and be understanding about things but I usually end up getting hurt by people, and I never know how to say anything about it without sounding like im whining or pestering. Then when I do say something about it I feel horrible because I feel like im being too clingy. I've always known deep down inside that my job is to listen, im not suposed to tell people my problems, but I cant seem to shut up most of the time. They just start rushing out and before I know i've spilled my guts. I /know/ no one wants to hear it but still I ramble. I know i'm rambling now but its my journal so im allowed. Anyway, I think i've pretty much done this subject to death for today, and do I feel better? No not really. Do I feel calmer? A little, and maybe thats enough for right now. I still feel like im about the loneliest person in the world but at least I made it through without another panic attack. Be thankful for small favors right?